It took long months for me to be able to say these few letters loud which sums up nearly 9 years of memories in my case. Probably those beloved memories, the moments we shared made it so hard to end my relationship with Marco and the letting go process is still present in my life, deep within.
I started the soul searching and self-confidence work to help myself many years ago and I haven’t completed it yet, so many things to learn and improve about myself still. One of my hardest lesson is to let go: a program, a friend, a dream, a colleague or love itself. I have a tendency to „colour” people and see them a bit better than they are in reality and use that to explain to myself why I still have them in my life. It seems I put a pair of rainbow glasses on when I look at people but when the glasses are off I get disappointed, inevitably. I see a different picture, the reality itself which is often not as pleasant as I thought. That happened to my relationship as well since I was not honest, mostly with myself. The real issues did not appear when I moved back to Hungary last year but way before that but hope, the occasional head in the sand ignorance and the undeniable fact that I loved him kept us going. I still do love him. Not with that kind of puppy love but I am attached to him on a deeper level and this love will leave its mark on me forever.
And I do not want to erase those marks because I got so much from this nearly a decade long relationship. The initial perks of living in a long distance relationship, the ups and downs of it, the struggles of him trying to settle in Hungary which reoccured with me when I moved for him to Milan. Love was not enough and slowly it turned into companionship. We had to face too many obstacles and though we tried so hard, it didn’t work. At least we tried hard for a while but then both of us got tired of the never ending fight with the windmills. We drifted apart and though we could not imagine our lives without each other, even the smallest habits of the other started to bother. The moment came when you notice to be noticed by others and the happy moments became routine.
Many of you have asked why I moved back to Budapest and what happened to Marco. The last 2 years were really challenging for me though I filtered it all and rarely showed it on social media. Sometimes even those who are close to me could hardly make me speak about my pain and I was not sure what step to take. While I lived in Italy I missed my family, friends, my community, the Hungarian food, places I am familiar with and I missed on many occasions to spread body positivity and self-confidence at events in Hungary since I lived away. I felt lost and even the chicest designer dress could not fill the emptiness in my heart. It took nearly 6 months to come to a decision which we made together as we planned our future in Budapest. That time my depression kicked in, topped with the stress of moving which took so much out of me for months. I am truly grateful to my family and friends who supported me during those dark times and stood by my side. Deep in my heart I felt that my relationship hit rock bottom but could not deal with it that time since my whole life was wrapped and put on 2 trucks to Budapest where my empty apartment was awaiting. I lived, dressed and existed in general from boxes and trash bags for weeks so my biggest happiness was when my dad put together my bed and after sleeping on the floor for so long, I could finally had a good night sleep in my bed. I had no clue how to surive emotionally and financially, what to do next, all was blurred and uncertain.
Then all (furniture) got into their place, or it seemed. But we drifted apart even more, now by geography as well. If you don’t see someone for 6 months, it becomes hard to believe the white lie we kept telling to each other and ourselves: we try…No. Actually we stopped trying and we became comfortable in the situation and I knew he would never say it loud so I was the one who had to. For long months I had been struggling to make a decision, driving my friends crazy as my mind knew what to do but my heart was fighting against it. I kept on procrascinating. Then spring passed and I said it, we said it. It is the first time I can write it down and talk about that feeling which got into me when we officially ended it. That small word just put an end to it.
I will not lie, I am writing these lines with with tears in my eyes but I learned to be patient with myself. Closure won’t happen overnight and none of us can skip the stages of grief. Alone again, alone without him but this life is not the same as before he entered my world. Crying-laughing-drinking with friends, getting emotional at unexpected moments with solitude. It has been a rough period and I know it is still not over yet but I am ready to open up about it. It’s not a pity searching post but rather an explanation, to cast an account as I have always been transparent with my community and revealed some private moments with you all. I won’t talk behind his back as our story is ours only, we know the deepest details and it should remain like that. However as it has always been the case, my private life is my main source of inspiration for my Tuesday weekly live shows, my articles which I stopped writing for a while but now you know the reasons behind. I am ready to step up and show my wounds.
I’m not 100% healed yet but how can I be? But I try to move forward and look rather in the future than to the past, be open for the world and taking my baby steps towards a new life. A new life without him. The last 6 months have been a rollercoaster with its ups and downs, exciting and sad moments, sometimes filled with irony which taught me so much and now it is time to use the newly learned knowledge and share it with the world. Believe me when I say, you are not alone in this. I know perfectly how hard it can get, how much it hurts, how unfair it feels and how confused life can get. But we need to adopt to the new circumstances as we can’t get stuck in the past, in a utopic dream picture.
I’m a 39 years old single woman who thought she had found the love of her life at 30 and maybe it was true however it didn’t work out the way we planned it. A chapter is closed, wounds need time for healing. I know that one day I will love again, with all my heart, trust and devotion. That day won’t be tomorrow but I don’t push it either.
The past is gone and I think I can face this short yet heavy word: it’s over.